FIVE STEPS for an immediate reduction in suffering.

Today I want to talk to you about one of the essential tools to ease your suffering- Self-compassion.

Actively practicing Self -Compassion can be life-altering if:

You struggle with painful emotions and don't know how to get relief; You constantly talk harshly to yourself and suffer from this self-cruelty; You feel confused because you are compassionate to everybody else but hard on yourself; You live in despair because you cannot unconditionally accept and love yourself.

If you fall under one of these categories, you must read on. That said, I notice that the suffering of my clients, regardless of the presenting issues, is significantly reduced when they master the art of self-compassion. So, this subject can be life-altering to virtually anyone who feels unhappy with themselves.

What is Self-Compassion, and why is it so important in our lives, especially if we aspire to live authentically and fully?

But let's think about that for a second by starting with the love for others. True, unconditional love always has compassion as its basis. However, love is not possible without a desire to understand the emotional world of loved ones and without a desire to alleviate their sufferings.

Unconditional self-love is a basis for genuine authenticity. It is possible only when we know our emotional world, understand and validate all our feelings, and help ourselves to relieve our sufferings.

To arrive at Self-Compassion, let's start with a principle that may be easier to accept for many of us – compassion for others. Compassion means a commonality of passion (passion in Latin is Suffering). As compassionate beings, we notice different feelings of others, feeling their emotions, validating their feelings, desiring to reduce their suffering, and extending efforts to reduce the pain of others.

Compassion is defined as staying present and opening your heart to the feeling of others. The classical teachings of the Buddhist tradition describe compassion as the heart that trembles in the face of suffering and consider it the noblest character quality that leads to ultimate healing.

Now let's go over FIVE Steps formula for cultivating compassion for others. Later I can show you how to transform the same formula into mastering Self-compassion.

FIRST step: Noticing that the other person is experiencing a feeling. This step requires being in an unbiased observer state of mind and being sensitive to the other person's energy. You can tell yourself: "I am noticing that this person in front of me is struggling with a difficult emotion. Let me tune in and sense the feeling that he is feeling now".

SECOND step: Feeling other person's feelings, but not absorbing them as our own, differentiating them from your feelings. You can say: "I am sensing that this person in front of me is very sad. And I feel his sadness. But, because I consciously tuned in to him, I know this is not my sadness."

THIRD step: Acceptance of validity of feelings experienced in a moment. You can say to yourself: "Yes, there is sadness. I accept that this person in front of me is very sad because sadness is a human emotion. I completely validate and accept this sadness as he is experiencing it in this moment of time".

FOURTH step: Desire to Reduce Suffering You can say to yourself: "As a compassionate being, I wish that all beings will not suffer. I wish to do what I can to reduce the suffering of this person in front of me".

FIFTH step: Action to Reduce suffering. You can tell yourself: "I will ask this person how I can reduce his suffering, and I will do it if possible for me and will not harm myself and others." If there is no answer from the suffering person, or relief is not possible, see if you could sit with this person and be a compassionate witness to the suffering. Witnessing and validating suffering can be amazingly supportive and healing.

Now let's go back to Self-Compassion. Just like Compassion, Self-Compassion requires an open heart that trembles in response to our suffering, a heart that possesses an unconditional desire to alleviate our suffering.

When we are in Self-compassion, we notice our own different feeling, allowing ourselves to fully feel our feelings, validating our own feelings, desiring to reduce our suffering, and extending efforts to reduce our pain.

Why is it so hard to be self -compassionate? First, you could be brought up by harsh parents who would never allow you to feel sorry for yourself and express painful feelings. You could absorb a societal message that all failings are your fault, suffering is useless, and you should pull yourself by your bootstraps and march on. Parental and societal conditioning can significantly reduce a capacity for healing self-compassion.

But remember that compassion and self-compassion are innate human attributes, and you can reignite them no matter how greatly they were diminished.

Self-Compassion is necessary for our own healing and living fully and joyously, and it can be cultivated and nurtured with an open heart and practice.

Now we can see how the FIVE Steps formula can help with mastering Self-compassion. After discussing the steps, we would discuss some obstacles that can arise during connection to Self-compassion.

FIRST step: Noticing that you are experiencing a feeling. This step requires you to be in an unbiased, not judgmental observer state of mind and be sensitive to your own energy.
You can say to yourself: "I am noticing that I am struggling with a difficult emotion. Let me tune in to myself and sense my feeling now. I will not try to judge, rationalize, analyze, or push away this feeling; I will only notice this feeling".

SECOND step: Fully allow yourself to feel your feeling. During this step, watch out for a need to placate, reduce or judge the feeling. If this need arises, gently move your attention back to the feeling. You can say: "I am sensing that I am very sad. Let me stay with this sadness and see how it feels in my body". Now, you can connect to your body and sense where this emotion resonates. Don't judge or placate this feeling; witness and be with it.

THIRD step: Acceptance of validity of feelings experienced in a moment. You can say: "Yes, there is sadness. I accept that I am very sad because sadness is a human emotion. I completely validate and accept this sadness as I am experiencing it at this moment".

FOURTH step: Desire to Reduce Suffering. You can tell yourself: "I am self-compassionate and loving by my nature, and I wish that I won't suffer. I wish to do what I can to reduce my suffering".

FIFTH step: Action to Reduce suffering. You can say: "I will connect to myself and see how I can reduce my sufferings, and I will do it if possible for me and will not harm myself and others."

If no answer is coming to you or relief is not possible, see if you could be with yourself and compassionately witness your suffering. Self-witnessing and self-validation can be amazingly supportive and healing in times of distress. However, regardless of the action, this step needs to be approached with self-kindness and gentleness.

Here is an example of a Self-compassionate approach to connecting with yourself on an example of not getting a job you really wanted. Step 1: I am noticing that I am suffering at this moment. Step 2: I feel sad and angry. My head is hurting, and there is a knot in my stomach. Let me be with these feelings for a while. I want to feel them fully, but I don't need to overthink the situation or pretend I don't feel bad. Step 3: Of course, I feel sad and angry; I really wanted this job and was sure to qualify for it. It's normal to feel sad and angry in this situation. (This also acknowledges that these feelings belong to you and are appropriate for the situation). Step 4: Let me connect with myself to sense how I can alleviate my suffering. I want to scream; I need a hug; I need to get drunk and then call the stupid interviewers and tell them to go to hell. Step 5: Let me ask a loved one for a hug or hug myself. Also, I am going to another room where no one will hear me or go to my car and scream as loud as possible. No wonder I want to get drunk and unload on the interviewers; it's very understandable because I am in so much pain, but I don't need to harm myself or others. (Kind and compassionate self-validation with boundary setting).

Let's now talk about some obstacles that can arise while practicing Self-compassion.

Often when we try to be kind and compassionate to ourselves, we hear the inside voice that talks about us harshly and insultingly. We can call this voice Self-critic. As mentioned earlier, this voice can belong to your parents, society, or other outside forces, but you hear it as if it's your own. Remember that a cruel and insulting internal voice is never yours. The True self always talks in a kind and gentle manner. The True Self can be firm and set some boundaries but is always compassionate and understanding.

Here are the Steps on how to reduce the influence of the Internal critic*

1. Noticing and observing: Say to yourself: "I am hearing an internal voice that is painful and critical to me." Acknowledgment that this voice does not belong to you. Say to yourself: "This is not my voice. I don't have to listen to it".
2. Talking to your critic. We can be either firm and even harsh with the critic and tell him to shut up or kindly but firmly say to the critic that we hear him but not going to pay attention to him or take orders from him. Say to yourself: "No, I will not listen to you. Go away and don't come back" ** Or: "I understand that you are trying to protect me, and this is the only way you how, but now it's safe for me to be kind and gentle with myself, and this is how I will treat myself."
3. Imagine that you are a precious suffering child. If it's hard to imagine, bring up to your mind any child you care about, and imagine that you are talking to this child. Consider looking at your childhood pictures to aid in this task.
4. Talk to yourself as you would have loved to be talked to when you were a child or how you would have spoken to a loved child who is suffering.
   You can say something along these lines "I feel your sadness, I feel your pain. I know that it's scary to lose hope. It's ok to feel what you feel. Just know that I am here for you now, and always will be. How can I help you now?". Please ensure your words come from your heart and reflect your true essence.

*Important note: If you have been diagnosed with PTSD, C-PSTD, have complex trauma, or suspect that you might have complex trauma, please contact a trauma-informed therapist before starting work with Self-Critic. The tailored, specific-to-your-situation approach is essential for optimal healing in these cases.

**Important note: If you are working on self-compassion alone, I suggest using only a kind approach to the critic. A harsh approach should be used if advised by your therapist only.

Another obstacle might be experiencing feelings that are not yours. These can either be ancestral feelings, feelings from previous unprocessed trauma, or feelings you absorbed from others. It's a more complex subject that needs to be addressed separately and, in many cases, requires work with the therapist. Here I want to give you a couple of guidelines that you can use to differentiate your feelings:

1. Check if the feeling that you are feeling is appropriate for the situation. For example, feelings of deep sadness and acute anger after being betrayed by a spouse are appropriate. However, the similar feelings experienced after someone cuts in front of you in traffic are most likely related to trauma. Please note that I am saying "Most likely" as the correct assessment of a trauma impact on feelings can be done only by working with a qualified professional.
2. If you are experiencing a persistent feeling without any visible or appropriate reason, connect with yourself and ask yourself: "How old is this feeling"? "Has it always been with me?", "Is it mine?". If you'd sense that this feeling has always been with you, or if it's not yours, you can contact a therapist or a coach specializing in ancestral work.

I want to conclude with a mantra that came from a beautiful book "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself," written by Kristen Neff, Ph.D., a renowned self-compassion expert: "This is a moment of a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need."

May you be kind to yourself in all moments of your life, especially in moments of suffering. May you open your heart to yourself. May you give yourselves unconditional love and compassion. May you be happy and free.