FIVE STEPS for compassionately loving your Dark side

In this blog, we are continuing the theme of Self-Compassion, which started in the previous blog on Self-Compassion, where we looked at Five actionable steps to cultivate self-compassion. You can also watch the video on my YouTube Channel @irinamarc, where I talk about connecting to Self-Compassion.

Today we will discuss a critical topic for everyone who wants to live authentically - Self -compassion for your dark side, the so-called Shadow.

Some of you may know the concept of a shadow. Everyone who wants to live in complete wholeness and be truly Self-led will need to deeply explore the Shadow - a dark, unseen side of themselves. In a very straightforward way, the Shadow can be described as certain aspects of our personality that are either completely unknown or known but, for various reasons, not acceptable to our conscious mind. Why is knowing, accepting, and compassionately loving your shadow side important?

I want to share one of my favorite quotes, which comes from Carl Rogers, a father of humanistic therapy, the approach based on the belief that we have all internal resources for healing and inner knowing how to use these resources for recovery. The therapist's role in this approach is to create an environment of unconditional personal regard to allow clients to connect to their true selves. In this quote, he's talking about the relationship between the therapist and the client: "If I say that I "accept" you, but know nothing of you, this is a shallow acceptance indeed, and you realize that it may change if I actually come to know you. But if I understand you empathically, see you and what you are feeling and doing from your point of view, enter your private world and see it as it appears to you—and still accept you—then this is safety indeed. In this climate you can permit your real self to emerge, and to express itself in varied and novel formings as it relates to the world."

Carl Rogers is talking about acceptance by others, but if we think about this quote, we can see that it can be fully applied to Self- knowing. If you say that you accept yourself, but I don't know who you really are, then this acceptance would not be genuine. Likewise, if you love yourself only when you are "in the light," this love is conditioned on some persona, an illusory ideal you create. True Self-love, a cornerstone of an authentic, fulfilled life, is unconditional and based on acceptance of the whole loved being.

You can say that you genuinely love and accept yourself only when you know all your so-called light and dark sides and explore and understand your inner landscape. This love creates internal safety, a necessary condition for connecting with the True Self.

Now let's talk about why Self-compassion is a prerequisite for unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. John Lennon's famous saying," We all have Hitler in us, but we also have love and peace," illustrates the complexity of human nature that contains a range of emotions. We all have rage, anger, and hate, but we all have love, compassion, and kindness. People have these emotions in various degrees and different volumes, but we all have them. Why? By the simple virtue of being human beings. Not having a specific feeling is not up to us; we cannot change our nature. But what is up to us is to understand ourselves and see how we can nurture the helpful emotions and either transform painful emotions to our benefit or help ourselves to suffer less from experiencing them.

So, how can we really understand our Shadow? The best way is to work with a therapist or coach. The Shadow is often better explored in relationships with others, especially with intimate partners, and the trained professional can help you to navigate this discovery. In addition, astrology can be invaluable in looking into the dark side from the natal chart standpoint and accomplishing in one or few sessions that might take months or even years in therapy. You can start with a consultation with an astrologer willing to explore your Shadow, continue working through astrological lenses, or move into therapy.

That said, if you can be detached enough, you can explore Shadow through self-observation. Here's a quick and dirty way for you to do it. Think about a person you know who makes you angry. If something she says or does make you awfully mad, really gets your blood boiled – then this quality is in you. Yes, it's that simple. For example, your friend is habitually late, and every time she is late, you go: "Oh, I hate how inconsiderate she is; she doesn't respect me; I'm just going to kill her when she gets in…."

If you react that strongly, you better believe inconsideration and disrespect are in you. It's not good, not bad – it just is. So you might ask yourself: "When are the instances in my life when I am unconsidered of others' needs when I am disrespectful to others?" On the other hand, if you are just mildly annoyed by her lateness, then inconsideration and disrespect are either a very minimal part of your nature (remember, we have all qualities in us, just in different degrees) or well-known and already accepted by you.

Another way to know yourself is to discover the so-called "Gold in your Shadow." Gold in the Shadow will be the subject of my next video and article, but here is a quick way to find out your – yes, we all have it!

For example, you are really envious of this remarkable woman who is a CEO of a large corporation. She's a self-made multimillionaire head of a charitable foundation and a loving, hands-on mom. Activate your observer mind and notice what qualities of this woman you envy the most. Is that her income, position, way she treats people, charitable nature, or maternal approach? The quality (or qualities) that you envy the most are in you! They most likely are so deeply hidden that you don't have access to them, or, for various reasons, you deny these qualities in yourself. You don't want to accept yourself – and this can happen due to parental or societal conditioning and trauma.

So now we know that the Shadow is not necessarily darkness - it's hidden from view. So the Shadow can contain the qualities that we might find dirty and unacceptable and qualities that might be welcomed but hidden from our consciousness.

Now let's talk about practical steps of cultivating Self-Compassion for our dark, shadowy side.

FIRST STEP: Acceptance. Acceptance and understanding that all feelings are normal human expressions. Feelings are just energy. We cannot control "feeling the feelings," but we can control how we express them.

SECOND STEP: Self-knowledge. This step involves cultivating an observer's mind by observing and noticing your reactions and feelings without judgment, without assigning "good" or "bad" values to any feelings. Then, you can start exploring the sensations in your body while experiencing different emotions.

THIRD STEP: Self-validation. This step assumes cultivating a belief that all your feelings are normal and acceptable as they felt in a moment. We are moving from the general acceptance of all feelings to acceptance and validation of our own feelings as they arise from movement to moment in reaction to life's occurrences.

FOURTH STEP: Self-Kindness and desire to relieve your pain. You are compassionately helping yourself relieve pain from painful feelings or being with yourself with an open heart. For a detailed description of this step, see my Self-Compassion blog (LINK) or video (LINK)

FIFTH STEP: Understanding the nature of your feelings. Understanding why this particular feeling arises in you at this particular moment might take some time and effort, but this step is essential for complete self-knowledge. Even at its most robust expression, any feeling can be an entirely appropriate in-the-moment reaction. However, in some instances, an arising feeling might not make sense, given the nature of its trigger or the intensity of the feeling seems out of line with the reality of a situation. These cases require closer attention and exploration; the experience might contain either carry-over ancestral feelings or remnants from the unprocessed trauma. This more complex subject needs a separate explanation and, in many cases, work with a therapist. Here I want to give you a couple of guidelines that you can use to differentiate your feelings:

1. Check if the feeling that you are feeling is appropriate for the situation. For example, feeling of deep sadness and acute anger after being betrayed by a spouse are appropriate. However, the same intensity of feelings experienced in response to being cut off in traffic is most likely related to trauma. Please note that I am saying "most likely" as a correct assessment of trauma's impact on feelings can be done only by working with a qualified professional.

If you know that you experienced significant trauma, especially in childhood, or were diagnosed with PSTD or C-PTSD, you might likely experience some trauma-triggered feelings and can significantly benefit from working with a trauma-informed therapist. Remember, the more you understand yourself, the deeper you connect to self-acceptance and self-love - the more authentic and peaceful your life will be.

Once you get to know yourself fully, you start to assess your nature and decide which aspects are not working for you and see if you can modify them. The elements that cannot be changed need to be accepted and loved, with boundaries on their outward expression.

It's just that simple: We need to make a decision.

You can tell yourself," I am compassionate and loving to all aspects of myself. I am helping myself to gently and lovingly transform the parts that prevent me from living the life I want. I am allowing myself to wholeheartedly accept and honor the part I cannot change and create a firm but kind boundaries around expressing these parts".

For example, let's look at anger, a feeling many consider shameful and unacceptable. First, anger is just energy – nothing else is just energy. We can not experience it if it arises in a moment. Second, an expression of anger that we need to separate from experiencing it. Remember, while experiencing feelings is not up to us, the nature of expressing emotions is under our control. Sometimes strongly expressing anger is very helpful and can protect us from harm. However, sometimes the outer expression could be not beneficial and create many issues we want to avoid. Sometimes anger can be transformed into creating a social movement, drawing a masterpiece, giving passionate speeches, and working out in a gym. There are so many different ways you can positively transform difficult emotions.

Let's look at the example: assume your boss called and screamed at you in his office. You are coming out of the office in tears, fuming, "I'm gonna kill him. I'm so mad at him; I hate him". And then the other voice might pop up: "I am such a horrible person. I should be kind and forgiving, yet I am here so angry and hateful". Sounds familiar? Now we'll take it through FIVE STEPS.

FIRST STEP: ACCEPTANCE All feelings are just human energy expressions. We, humans, cannot control what we feel because it's our nature.

SECOND STEP: SELF-KNOWLEDGE The feeling I am experiencing feels like anger. When I am angry, I feel hot and feel a knot in my stomach (connecting to body sensations).

THIRD STEP: SELF-VALIDATION. I am feeling anger, and it's normal and human for me to feel anger. I love myself while I am experiencing this painful emotion of anger.

FOURTH STEP: SELF-KINDNESS AND DESIRE TO RELIEVE YOUR PAIN I am connecting to myself and seeing how I can reduce my suffering, and I will do it if it's possible for me and will not harm myself and others. If there is nothing I can do, then I just would be with myself with an open heart and compassionate soul.

FIFTH STEP: UNDERSTANDING THE NATURE OF YOUR FEELINGS. This step needs to be approached after the acute pain from the emotion is relieved. For example, you can say: " Of course, I am angry; it's very appropriate to feel anger in response to offensive and disrespectful behavior. Now I know that this is my own emotion."

You can practice these Five steps daily or as your emotions arise. Remember, the more you understand and accept yourself, the more you cultivate compassion and love for the real You, and the more content and peaceful your life will be.