Healing the pain of your little Self
Healing the emotional pain of our inner child is one of the most sacred parts of the journey to the True Self and self-realization, and I will invite you to embark on it with an open mind, a gentle heart, and lots of self-compassion.
In this article we will discuss the concepts of the "inner child" and "re-parenting," why "re-parenting of the "inner child" is essential for connection with the Self and for fulfilling the life purpose, and how you can start nurturing your inner child on your own.
Why is Inner child work essential for overall well-being?
Childhood experiences continue to influence our behavior and thought processes in adulthood.
The human brain is wired to learn from its environment and experiences and is remarkably plastic and adaptable during the early stages of our life.
Childhood experiences, particularly those of a traumatic nature, significantly impact the formation of our reality.
Trauma, physical or emotional neglect during crucial developmental periods can result in maladaptive patterns of emotional regulation and behaviors. These patterns are based on subconscious, deeply ingrained, distorted, painful beliefs about our essence and life, forming so-called "negative cognitions".
What is the "Inner child"?
"Inner child' symbolizes the part of our Self that emotionally continues to live in the early years of our lives and comprises our childhood memories, unfulfilled needs, and emotional scars.
In many cases, the traumatic childhood experiences get frozen and hidden so far in our subconsciousness that we either don't feel any emotions about them or, in extreme cases, completely "forget" about them. Yet the pain experienced in childhood does not disappear and can break through in sudden emotional outbreaks or physical ailments. These sudden "breakthroughs" indicate that our inner child needs to be acknowledged and heard.
What are "Re-parenting" and the "Adult Self"?
Re-parenting means re-creating an environment for the "inner child" that a loving, responsible parent would have created in childhood. We create this environment by establishing a secure and warm connection between your "Adult Self" and "Inner child."
The adult Self is you at present, the capable adult who emotionally and physically cares for and protections your inner child lovingly and compassionately.
Remember, the "inner child" is not separate from you; it's a painful part of your psyche that got dismissed from your memory. By doing inner child work, you, as an adult, show that you care enough to put in time and effort to heal this part of yourself.
Re-parenting the "inner child involves several consecutive steps:
- Creating a safe and loving relationship with an Inner child part, so this "child" will believe that you, as an adult, are his "parent" who is reliable, compassionate, and protective.
- Encouraging the "child" to tell you about her painful experiences and fully validating her experiences.
- Encouraging the child to fully feel and express emotions associated with the painful experiences and validating any feelings that might come out.
- Compassionately comforting the child and continuously re-emphasizing and practicing loving and supportive care for the "inner child."
The purpose of "re-parenting" is to allow your frozen, scared 'inner child" to trust you, gradually "thaw up," relax, and release the pain.
The adult self can provide the understanding, validation, and security that the inner child may have lacked, helping with the gaining of self-compassion and resilience. The compassionate attention, validation, and patience extended from your adult self to your inner child leads to the integration of unconditional love and support into an inner child's worldview.
This integration, over time, can help resolve the feelings of fear, shame, or abandonment rooted in the past, fostering a more integrated, adaptive, and realistic view of SelfSelf.
Why is it so important to recall the painful memories?
Healing of trauma involves integrating the new information with the traumatic memories and gradual re-programming of the distorted perception of Self and the world caused by trauma.
Let's look at a simple example. Being called "ugly" in childhood could create a painful image of yourself as socially undesirable and unlovable. The "new information" that re-programs this unfortunate perception can come from friendships and personal relationships with partners formed in adulthood. When your friends continuously tell you and show you how much they value friendship, and your partner demonstrates love and care, the old mental "socially undesirable and unlovable" image gets deleted and replaced with the "socially desirable and loved" image. Essentially, the "the undesirable and unloved" internal script is being replaced by the "the desirable and loved" internal script.
This process, supported by your adult experiences, continues until you automatically default to the new realistic script and instinctually react and behave according to the present experiences.
Why can some painful beliefs about the Self and life cannot be simply re-programmed by new information?
Some traumatic memories get solidly frozen and "locked" in the brain, and the new information cannot penetrate them. The hiding and locking of the memories happen because our protective "survival" mechanism kicks in.
Our brain is primarily concerned with our physical survival. Our protective system considers emotional thriving and self-actualization as secondary needs that would always yield to safety needs.
This internal protective system feels that we might be unable to handle the intensity and pain of the feelings triggered by traumatic memories and that we might not physically survive this experience. So, this system blocks all recollection of the memories because it feels it cannot risk connecting to the painful feelings and jeopardizing physical safety.
In some ways, the internal system sees us as helpless, scared children or unstable, emotionally volatile teenagers who might emotionally and physically crumble under the weight of the pain.
Let's illustrate the way the protective system works in our example. If a "socially undesirable and unlovable" script had been reinforced by some particularly painful experiences and abuse and elicited intense emotions, your brain would protect you from the continuous pain by freezing these memories, hiding them in your subconsciousness, and throwing away the key. Since the incoming new information cannot penetrate this locked part of the brain, the old painful script never gets re-programmed, no matter how many times the new experiences would disprove it.
So, no matter how many new supportive friends you have and how caring and loving your partner might be, you will continue to perceive yourself as "undesirable and unlovable." In a way, you remain fragmented into the part that functions as an Adult and the other part that remains a hiding, scared "inner little child."
How does the Inner child's work help to integrate our parts into the Self?
When you intentionally communicate with the "inner child" from your Adult Self and continuously show her your unconditional love, compassion, and support, your protective system gradually starts believing that you now are an Adult, who can handle and survive the emotional pain, no matter how intense it is. In essence, your brain will start trusting that it's safe to connect to the frozen pain and that this connection will not jeopardize your physical survival.
This connection process and the consequent release of the pain is facilitated by a trust that your scared "inner child" part develops toward your Adult part. The "child" would start to believe that "Adult" will help relieve the pain in a loving, protective environment and that now it's safe to begin remembering the pain and feeling the painful feelings.
When a traumatic memory is recalled, it gradually starts to "thaw up" and shift into a changeable state that is ready to be re-programmed with the new adaptive realistic information.
Later you will move into a reconsolidation state where you can safely and fully integrate all parts with your True Self.
Why is Inner child work necessary for connecting and fulfilling the life purpose?
Holding on to the pain from traumatic memories takes lots of energy. Allowing the "inner child" to release her pain will enable you to channel the freed-up energy toward fulfilling your life purpose.
We need to understand and connect to our life purpose with a clear vision and accurate Self and world perception of the well-integrated adult. Under the influence of unacknowledged internal pain, we often see ourselves and the world through the lenses of this pain, as if we are constantly looking at the world through distorted, dirty glasses. You will start seeing yourself and your life clearly and be able to understand and connect to your authentic essence fully.
The emotional release facilitated by inner child work also contributes to a significant reduction in stress hormones. It allows our brain to shift from the constant alert and survival mode into a thriving, joy-creating mode. With continuous reinforcement of connection to your inner system from the adult state, you are strengthening your brain's executive function, allowing for clear, balanced decision-making and execution of plans.
In the following article we’ll discuss some ways you can connect to your Inner Child and start re-parenting her.